Is it bad that I feel I need to come out of MY closet?
So, here's what is running through my crazy cranium today, do not read on if you want something fluffy to read. If you want fluffy go here. If not carry on....
I love this clip:
Watch This
I saw this for the first time the year I gave my life over to Christ, after I finally decided I couldn't judge God by Christians, at least not the ones you hear on the radio or see on the news.
At the time, I watched it because I loved the West Wing, but it caught me by suprise. It brought up many of the questions I have about my faith, truth and what love is, who God is. Trust me, I've read the bible - cover to cover, and then some. I've studied it, I've laughed, I've cried, and been completely awestruck. However, more than anything else, I've been utterly and completely perplexed. Why? Because I know more than I know anything that it's true - and yet it mystefies me. It tells story upon story of freedom, love, redemption, hope, restoration - and yet along with all of that there is judgement. I will not survive the judgement of God, it is there cut and dry, black and white. I am a sinner. Yet if I believe, I can't just tear out the pages I don't like I have to keep them all.
A friend of mine said once, "I don't know what God's ten point stand on homosexuality is, nor do I feel the need to know. He's God, I'm not." I'm not saying I have all the answers, cuz I don't. I'm just saying that as I watched several clips tonight (the one above, one a parody about research for the Christian "gene" and another more serious one about Prop 8) and it hit me:
I felt shame.
This plaguing sense of "oh crap what am I gonna do now?" and I felt like I needed to hide...from everyone except God strangely. I think he was pretty ok with what I was feeling. You may argue with me, and I welcome it....(seriously -- tell me what you think!)
I think I can relate somehow in a way that might suprise. I feel like I am in a closet and I wanna break out - RIGHT NOW!!!
I'm hiding who I truly am from people I love because I see what the world thinks of Christians. I might concede that I go to church, but I'd rather crawl into a hole before I tell anyone that when things at work get tough I go into an enclave, leave the lights off, close my eyes and just rest in the knowledge that I am in the presense of my savior. I worry that if I refer to the relationship I have with Christ that people will think I'm loonie and "hearing voices". When I drive somewhere with colleagues or friends I instinctively switch my radio station from Praise to Virgin (and then switch it back as soon as the door closes). Even when my friends who embrace me and invite me out to be who I am - I feel like I need to hide and worry about saying the wrong thing when they invite me to pray for a meal. That I might somehow screw it up, that if they truly knew it all about me that I'd be out.
I realized something else though, I'm hiding who I am from other believers as well, I don't know what they think about Prop 8 or a rant like the one on the West Wing, and I worry that if I admit that when I watch these videos I feel emotion that nearly consumes me and leads me to more prayer. I fear that I am a "bad Christian" because I disagree with the most vocal among my faith. That I feel compassion and want to get out speak up against this insane obsession with persecuting anyone who is different. I find myself asking questions like Keith Obermann: "WHAT IS IT TO YOU!?!". I don't want to admit to fellow believers that when Praise Radio switches to preaching I usually want to scream and turn it off because it is so ridiculously judgemental and hurtful. My spirit cries out "WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?!". I definitely don't want to admit on Sunday morning that I am pro choice, why, I don't know? I could be totally misinterpretting Genesis 3, but isn't God the inventor of freedom of choice - read for yourself (what do you think?).
I couldn't imagine prefacing something with "My gay friends are..." because they are just my friends. They are funny and compassionate and delightfully lovely. I love them. I also happen to struggle with feelings of hate for one particular gay man (who is not in any way my friend), but I don't feel that way about him because he's gay, I feel that way about him because he's a terrible broken human being who finds pleasure in making others as small as possible. He's hurt me and people I care deeply about. The double irony is, he also professes to be a Christian. I found myself praying about that the other day, because it upset me the level of emotion I feel when I think of him, and before long I found myself praying for him. I don't say that to sound condescending or patronizing, and I most certainly wasn't praying that God would help him be straight, I was praying that God would heal all the brokeness in him. Broken people break other people, it's not pretty.
So here I am coming out of a couple of Christian closets on the internet. I'm proud to be a Christian, I believe the church will recover someday, God willing. I believe that Christ is renewing something in his people, that you won't hear about on the news. It's a good news story that gets bumped for the stuff that gets people talking and sells advertising. My friend Mac gave up a successful career as a real estate agent to rub shoulders with the homeless, broken and drug addicted in whalley...she now has hundreds of people who see the need as she did and feed, clothe and love 365 days a year. Why is she not on the news folks?
As long as we are this side of heaven there will always be judgemental Christians, just like there will always be broken miserable human beings that hurt other people. It sucks, but God gave us freedom and man do we love our freedom.
I said earlier that I would not survive God's judgement, and yet I will -- because I've discovered his salvation. I am his, with all my bumps and confusion and mistakes. With all my poor choices and good ones. I'm free to choose...today I chose to speak out a little louder than I normally would. What if maybe just maybe we found our voices, as confused as they are. Maybe the world needs to hear a different point of view...
St Francis of Assisi once said "Preach the gospel always, when necessary, use words". Tonight I needed words, but tomorrow is another day.
I love this clip:
Watch This
I saw this for the first time the year I gave my life over to Christ, after I finally decided I couldn't judge God by Christians, at least not the ones you hear on the radio or see on the news.
At the time, I watched it because I loved the West Wing, but it caught me by suprise. It brought up many of the questions I have about my faith, truth and what love is, who God is. Trust me, I've read the bible - cover to cover, and then some. I've studied it, I've laughed, I've cried, and been completely awestruck. However, more than anything else, I've been utterly and completely perplexed. Why? Because I know more than I know anything that it's true - and yet it mystefies me. It tells story upon story of freedom, love, redemption, hope, restoration - and yet along with all of that there is judgement. I will not survive the judgement of God, it is there cut and dry, black and white. I am a sinner. Yet if I believe, I can't just tear out the pages I don't like I have to keep them all.
A friend of mine said once, "I don't know what God's ten point stand on homosexuality is, nor do I feel the need to know. He's God, I'm not." I'm not saying I have all the answers, cuz I don't. I'm just saying that as I watched several clips tonight (the one above, one a parody about research for the Christian "gene" and another more serious one about Prop 8) and it hit me:
I felt shame.
This plaguing sense of "oh crap what am I gonna do now?" and I felt like I needed to hide...from everyone except God strangely. I think he was pretty ok with what I was feeling. You may argue with me, and I welcome it....(seriously -- tell me what you think!)
I think I can relate somehow in a way that might suprise. I feel like I am in a closet and I wanna break out - RIGHT NOW!!!
I'm hiding who I truly am from people I love because I see what the world thinks of Christians. I might concede that I go to church, but I'd rather crawl into a hole before I tell anyone that when things at work get tough I go into an enclave, leave the lights off, close my eyes and just rest in the knowledge that I am in the presense of my savior. I worry that if I refer to the relationship I have with Christ that people will think I'm loonie and "hearing voices". When I drive somewhere with colleagues or friends I instinctively switch my radio station from Praise to Virgin (and then switch it back as soon as the door closes). Even when my friends who embrace me and invite me out to be who I am - I feel like I need to hide and worry about saying the wrong thing when they invite me to pray for a meal. That I might somehow screw it up, that if they truly knew it all about me that I'd be out.
I realized something else though, I'm hiding who I am from other believers as well, I don't know what they think about Prop 8 or a rant like the one on the West Wing, and I worry that if I admit that when I watch these videos I feel emotion that nearly consumes me and leads me to more prayer. I fear that I am a "bad Christian" because I disagree with the most vocal among my faith. That I feel compassion and want to get out speak up against this insane obsession with persecuting anyone who is different. I find myself asking questions like Keith Obermann: "WHAT IS IT TO YOU!?!". I don't want to admit to fellow believers that when Praise Radio switches to preaching I usually want to scream and turn it off because it is so ridiculously judgemental and hurtful. My spirit cries out "WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?!". I definitely don't want to admit on Sunday morning that I am pro choice, why, I don't know? I could be totally misinterpretting Genesis 3, but isn't God the inventor of freedom of choice - read for yourself (what do you think?).
I couldn't imagine prefacing something with "My gay friends are..." because they are just my friends. They are funny and compassionate and delightfully lovely. I love them. I also happen to struggle with feelings of hate for one particular gay man (who is not in any way my friend), but I don't feel that way about him because he's gay, I feel that way about him because he's a terrible broken human being who finds pleasure in making others as small as possible. He's hurt me and people I care deeply about. The double irony is, he also professes to be a Christian. I found myself praying about that the other day, because it upset me the level of emotion I feel when I think of him, and before long I found myself praying for him. I don't say that to sound condescending or patronizing, and I most certainly wasn't praying that God would help him be straight, I was praying that God would heal all the brokeness in him. Broken people break other people, it's not pretty.
So here I am coming out of a couple of Christian closets on the internet. I'm proud to be a Christian, I believe the church will recover someday, God willing. I believe that Christ is renewing something in his people, that you won't hear about on the news. It's a good news story that gets bumped for the stuff that gets people talking and sells advertising. My friend Mac gave up a successful career as a real estate agent to rub shoulders with the homeless, broken and drug addicted in whalley...she now has hundreds of people who see the need as she did and feed, clothe and love 365 days a year. Why is she not on the news folks?
As long as we are this side of heaven there will always be judgemental Christians, just like there will always be broken miserable human beings that hurt other people. It sucks, but God gave us freedom and man do we love our freedom.
I said earlier that I would not survive God's judgement, and yet I will -- because I've discovered his salvation. I am his, with all my bumps and confusion and mistakes. With all my poor choices and good ones. I'm free to choose...today I chose to speak out a little louder than I normally would. What if maybe just maybe we found our voices, as confused as they are. Maybe the world needs to hear a different point of view...
St Francis of Assisi once said "Preach the gospel always, when necessary, use words". Tonight I needed words, but tomorrow is another day.
Hi Tara,
ReplyDeleteI am far from what you would call/consider a Christian and for many of the reasons that you outlined above. I have to say, I am really impressed with your insight and how well you have thought through your feeling on being a Christian, I applaud you for this. I truly think that if there were more Christians such as yourself, many many more people would turn back to Christianity. I am always astounded that a religion that purports to be all forgiving and welcoming is so closed minded and judgmental.
Keep writing, I really enjoyed what you have to say.
Cheers,
Your friend
David
Drakie's Dad :)
Thank you Tara. As always, you can move me in amazingly deep ways. $6.76 has struck a chord reminding me that making excuses such as, "I've already given $x.xx to this other cause, so I don't need to give more to God," really doesn't cut it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I, too, will pray for that one broken soul. God knows, fighting isn't getting us where we need to go. We will be better to remember that "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
I have a good story to share with you, too.
I attended a funeral yesterday and the priest shared this story in his talk:
There was a man with a terminal illness who was visiting his doctor. He asked his doctor, "What will happen to me after I die? I just don't know what to expect, and I am afraid." The doctor replied, "I don't know the answer to that question either. But I can tell you one thing. Do you hear that scratching on the door over there?" The patient replied, "Yes... what is it?" The doctor replied, "That is my dog, Toby. Toby has never been in this examination room, and knows nothing about it at all. Yet there he is, scratching on the door, asking to be let in. He knows his Master is in this room, and he wants to be with his Master more than anything else in the world! So you see, when you know who your Master is and you want to be with Him, it's not important to know about where you will end up, but only that you will be with Him eventually."
And the man nodded, understanding.
Cheers,
Your friend
Wendy
Buffett's Mum :)
Hey David & Wendy, thank you both...I almost came home and deleted this because I felt all worried about it all day that it was too...well I don't know. It's how I feel, but I felt less bold at 9am than I did when I wrote it.
ReplyDeleteLove you both, Tara
Good for you Tara. Closets are for brooms. No one should ever be afraid to be who they are. You've probably heard about author Anne Rice leaving Christianity in the name of Christ. Her Facebook page has quite a few links to people writing/talking about some of the issues you brought up in your post. It's all starts here if you want to read.
ReplyDelete