Six Dollars and Seventy Six Cents

It's happened, the day that I thought would never come, I've started a blog. No not just a blog where I write about the activities of a dog through his eyes for his owner who's on vacation, but a blog about "real life" that I used to read and think "GET a real life". The time came because of $6.76 weighing heavy in my pocket.

This handful of change pushed me over the edge and into the "interwebs". I say that in quotations because I feel awkward even saying it, let alone being here.  You'll get to visit inside my brain for a wee bit, it's a scary, albeit intriguing place at times.  You may be bored already, if so...there are zillions of other blogs for you to read -- off you go!!

Without further ado...here is today's story from Tara:

I'm a Christian, I'd like to preface that with the word devout, but it seems too strong, and something that I strive towards, not something that I as of yet embody. I attend church faithfully, not your grandmothers church mind you...a trendy little community of people called New Beginnings. I consider them family - we meet in a tiny dance studio, the building is probably older than I am, and the layout is rather awkward, but none of that seems to matter to us. The coffee is always hot (even on Summer Sundays when only 21 people show up), the music is fantastic, the people are warm and incredibly human. Full of endearing imperfections and quirky personalities and charm. Someone should write a book about them, they are just that great, but I digress.

One of the things that matters most in my life is my capacity to give -- when I say it matters most, like most things in my life, it matters really huge when I think of it, but I'm painfully ADD so often my intentions don't get from my heart to action. Today was a day when the two connected. It's rare, but it happens -- more importantly than that, God spoke. If you're not a Christian, I just made a statement that makes me sound more than a little crazy (trust me I know, been there, thought that), but remember it's boring old me here -- hear me out.

As I was waiting for the service to start I hunted out an offering envelope, went into my purse and pulled out a $20...when I felt this "nudge" that said, "No, I want all of you Tara".

I looked in my purse at the additional $15 in bills -- though I planned to save it for our stop at Timmies after church -- realized that the nudge was that I needed to put it in the envelope. I felt pretty good about myself as I did that -- danger of giving #1: Pride. I had connected my heart to action or so I thought.

The service began and the worship leader quipped about our phenomenal attendence (21 -- what may be an all time summer low) and jokingly singled me out to move up to the front row from my seat in the very very back. I obliged, equally jokingly, skipping forward to the very first row.  Didn't realize at the time that my willingness to obey so quickly was part of the message....

I started to think of how quickly I jump action when people speak, but ignore the nudges, messages and two-by-fours over the head from my Savior more often than not. Over the past few years my faith has swung on a pendulum from all out, immersed in everything holy & churchy (and sometimes both), leading ministries, attending retreats, reading Christian books, prayerfilled, life of passionate obedience to.........here.

"Here" is at the intersection of Apathy and Oh Crap. "Can't-decide-which-way-to-turn-but-know-I-need-to-or-I'll-lose-it"; wishing I was a reflection of my faith, but knowing that most of the time, no one outside of church would guess that Christ is the lord of my life.  I can fake it with the best of 'em, but it's not what I want or who I really am.

Yet I'm There, I've moved in, picked out new curtains and painted the walls a lovely shade of irony.

But it's lonely here, in this land where my God is neatly packaged into a Sunday morning outing.

A bunch of people on facebook have recently "liked" a statement that says "going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car". When some people close to me "liked" this comment, I felt a bit of a dagger twisting in my very human flesh...not from them so much, but from myself, knowing that it's true, and yet, knowing I long for more.

I'm in the garage guys and not only am I a car, I don't want to stay in the garage, I want out, I want to be driven, well used, well loved and well travelled. A car in a garage is useless unless the door is opened and the road is taken with a big dose of ZOOM ZOOM.

So by now you're wondering what six dollars and seventy six cents has to do with anything really....

Well as I was pondering all of this deepness (insert eye roll) the offering was taken, and I blindly dropped in my envelope, my pride and $35 already forgotten. A few moments later, as the music played, my hand slipped into my pocket. It discovered a huge load of change -- 3 twoonies, 3 quarters and one lonely penny. I counted it a few times, sorting them by size...wondering why, strangely, in the middle of church I was so consumed by these coins.

Then I heard it again, in my spirit, yet louder than before "I want all of you Tara". I looked at the change and knew that while I had "proudly" sacrificed my $35, a small pitance compared to what I make, that this pocket of change meant little to me. That's when I realized that it's the small things that matter most and I knew what God was asking of me, not just in this moment, but at the crossroads of Apathy and Oh Crap -- was to look up...not left, right, forward or back...but up.

Look up and give Him my all:  $6.76.

I had to swallow my pride to do it, and slip it into the hand of a friend that deposits the offering, with a mumbled explanation of why I was giving it to her after she'd counted and tallied what was given already....small price to pay for a lesson I needed.

It's all His anyway. He gave me my life, in all it's little things and big things. He's given me a family and a beautiful home, a job a love and friends I adore. They all come from Him (whether they know it or not). The $6.76 was from Him too, so I gave it back...I don't know what He'll do with it, it's not for me to know, it was just obedience. I need more of that.

In that act of obedience, really I was taking a turn, if look over my shoulder now I can see the street sign of Apathy fading into the distance...up ahead I hear there's a road called Hope...maybe I'll take another turn there.