9 years and 24 minutes....
That's how long, give or take, I've been living in grace. It seems like a moment, and like forever all at the same time. On November 1, 2001 I gave my life to a guy called Jesus - I didn't know at the time what it meant, or really who He was, all I knew was that my life was a mess (on the inside anyway, from the outside I should have been the happiest girl in town), and I was open to pretty much anything that would make it better.
Unlike the Tony Robbins tapes I'd been listening to, that gave me lots of pep talks for every situation, Christ seemed real. Why I have no idea, I'd never met him any more than I had Tony.
I remember the phone call, on Halloween, 9 years ago when my new friend (who is now one of my oldest and dearest) Kathleen told me it sounded like I was "on the bridge" referring to some illustration about salvation that she'd recently sketched for me on a napkin (that escapes me right now).
My answer: "I am SO on the bridge" (making my inability to remember what it refered to even more ironic).
In the years that have followed I've experienced more pain, loss, betrayal, heartbreak, heartache, struggle, and confusion than the previous 26 years combined. I know, sounds sexy doesn't it? This Christian life.
However, each one of those things has been fleeting - lasting for a time, sometimes a moment, sometimes a season that seemed like eternity - but what hasn't been fleeting is the peace. The joy. The inexplicable strength that has existed in and through me since that day.
I was fortunate to reflect this past week, in a late night conversation over "dismembered hand meatloaf & mashed potatoes" with my dear Melissa (she didn't know I was reflecting any more than I was) on how God changed my life. I have a strength and a voice in my spirit that I didn't know for the first 26 years of my life.
Am I a "better" person now that I was then? I don't know -- maybe, maybe not. What I do know is I am a stronger, deeper, richer person than I was then. I make mistakes, every day, but I'm more aware of my need for God than I was. Christianity is described by many as a crutch, yet the Jesus I've encountered is anything but. I feel like one by one he's kicked my crutches away and taught me to crawl, walk and finally to soar. Along the way, I also learned to laugh and love more.
Oh so many years ago one of the first verses of scripture that seized my heart was from a wee little, oft ignored book of the bible - Habakuk. It reads: Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.
For real.
While my little world changed, our world did as well. 9/11 drove me to my knees before I had any idea what to do there (mere weeks before my conversion). These days I see a church that is rooting itself in truth in a way I've never before seen - it's rules and rituals crumbling, with a generation of leaders that refuse to accept platitudes and trite explanations in response to their troubling questions. I'm among them. I don't have the answers folks but I'm sure as hell looking.
I am amazed. My atheist, rebellious husband and his even more atheist, rebel best friend both gave their lives to Christ in the years that followed. How this is possible I have no idea, they both thought I was on crack and rejected my well intentioned attempts to open up this part of my life to them.
How does that happen? The only explanation I can offer is that it's about a God who is real, and who revels in the idea of loving people to himself, cracking the toughest of nuts (yes I said nuts - if you've met my husband, I'm pretty sure you understand) with grace that never gives in.
Yet my amazement is not about conversion, it's about transformation. I won't talk about my own, because it seems vain - and it will be way too much effort to put it into words. But I will talk about my husband (sorry I didn't ask honey, you were sleeping and I started typing and couldn't stop).
He had one rule for me when I started going to church: Don't try to convert me.
Noooo problem. I'll just pray, he didn't say anything about praying for him.
9 years later he's not only a professing Christian stumbling along like me, he's a passionate youth leader that wakes me up in the middle of the night because he's had a "nudge" and is trying to sort through what it means, and how he can use it to impact the lives of young people (and 3am is a GREAT time to get input). Helping them to discover the same God that redeemed him, drew him out of his darkness and spoke the words: You are my Son.
Now that is cool.
More than anything in these first 30 minutes of year 10 - I want to express gratitude.
Jesus. You're everything.
Kathleen. Lighthouses blow no horns, they just shine. Thanks my friend.
Brian, T'ea, Matthew, Mom, Ryan, Jax, Chuckies - you're the best family ever. As for our house we will serve the Lord.
Ian, Deb, Walt, Donalee, Guy, Terra, John, Sandy, Karen, Doug, Britt, Carolyn, Colin, Pauly, Eric, Alana, Laureen, Michele, Shalan, Walt, Frank, Ramona, Shalan, Gary, Dawn, Jennifer, Britt, Kara, Liz, Danielle, Cory, Frank, Jodi, Sarah, Matt, Nicole, Renee, Alan, Beth, Karen, Brenda, Caleb, Josh, Noah, John, Laverne, Ken, Norah, Phil. My Christian/Newbee Family - past, present, future - you rock! Thanks for walking this road with me.
Keryn, Mel, Michelley, Carol, Mikey, Mike, Benn, Brad -- you guys are the real deal, I'm not even kidding. Thanks for accepting me and loving all of me - even this part, which I'm sure seems more complicated than the rest of me complicated part. And for being the most amazing (and by amazing I mean more amazing than a singing-flying-starfish-llama-giraffe) friends a girl could ask for. You're classy and rich (and I'm not even mad).
Unlike the Tony Robbins tapes I'd been listening to, that gave me lots of pep talks for every situation, Christ seemed real. Why I have no idea, I'd never met him any more than I had Tony.
I remember the phone call, on Halloween, 9 years ago when my new friend (who is now one of my oldest and dearest) Kathleen told me it sounded like I was "on the bridge" referring to some illustration about salvation that she'd recently sketched for me on a napkin (that escapes me right now).
My answer: "I am SO on the bridge" (making my inability to remember what it refered to even more ironic).
In the years that have followed I've experienced more pain, loss, betrayal, heartbreak, heartache, struggle, and confusion than the previous 26 years combined. I know, sounds sexy doesn't it? This Christian life.
However, each one of those things has been fleeting - lasting for a time, sometimes a moment, sometimes a season that seemed like eternity - but what hasn't been fleeting is the peace. The joy. The inexplicable strength that has existed in and through me since that day.
I was fortunate to reflect this past week, in a late night conversation over "dismembered hand meatloaf & mashed potatoes" with my dear Melissa (she didn't know I was reflecting any more than I was) on how God changed my life. I have a strength and a voice in my spirit that I didn't know for the first 26 years of my life.
Am I a "better" person now that I was then? I don't know -- maybe, maybe not. What I do know is I am a stronger, deeper, richer person than I was then. I make mistakes, every day, but I'm more aware of my need for God than I was. Christianity is described by many as a crutch, yet the Jesus I've encountered is anything but. I feel like one by one he's kicked my crutches away and taught me to crawl, walk and finally to soar. Along the way, I also learned to laugh and love more.
Oh so many years ago one of the first verses of scripture that seized my heart was from a wee little, oft ignored book of the bible - Habakuk. It reads: Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.
For real.
While my little world changed, our world did as well. 9/11 drove me to my knees before I had any idea what to do there (mere weeks before my conversion). These days I see a church that is rooting itself in truth in a way I've never before seen - it's rules and rituals crumbling, with a generation of leaders that refuse to accept platitudes and trite explanations in response to their troubling questions. I'm among them. I don't have the answers folks but I'm sure as hell looking.
I am amazed. My atheist, rebellious husband and his even more atheist, rebel best friend both gave their lives to Christ in the years that followed. How this is possible I have no idea, they both thought I was on crack and rejected my well intentioned attempts to open up this part of my life to them.
How does that happen? The only explanation I can offer is that it's about a God who is real, and who revels in the idea of loving people to himself, cracking the toughest of nuts (yes I said nuts - if you've met my husband, I'm pretty sure you understand) with grace that never gives in.
Yet my amazement is not about conversion, it's about transformation. I won't talk about my own, because it seems vain - and it will be way too much effort to put it into words. But I will talk about my husband (sorry I didn't ask honey, you were sleeping and I started typing and couldn't stop).
He had one rule for me when I started going to church: Don't try to convert me.
Noooo problem. I'll just pray, he didn't say anything about praying for him.
9 years later he's not only a professing Christian stumbling along like me, he's a passionate youth leader that wakes me up in the middle of the night because he's had a "nudge" and is trying to sort through what it means, and how he can use it to impact the lives of young people (and 3am is a GREAT time to get input). Helping them to discover the same God that redeemed him, drew him out of his darkness and spoke the words: You are my Son.
Now that is cool.
More than anything in these first 30 minutes of year 10 - I want to express gratitude.
Jesus. You're everything.
Kathleen. Lighthouses blow no horns, they just shine. Thanks my friend.
Brian, T'ea, Matthew, Mom, Ryan, Jax, Chuckies - you're the best family ever. As for our house we will serve the Lord.
Ian, Deb, Walt, Donalee, Guy, Terra, John, Sandy, Karen, Doug, Britt, Carolyn, Colin, Pauly, Eric, Alana, Laureen, Michele, Shalan, Walt, Frank, Ramona, Shalan, Gary, Dawn, Jennifer, Britt, Kara, Liz, Danielle, Cory, Frank, Jodi, Sarah, Matt, Nicole, Renee, Alan, Beth, Karen, Brenda, Caleb, Josh, Noah, John, Laverne, Ken, Norah, Phil. My Christian/Newbee Family - past, present, future - you rock! Thanks for walking this road with me.
Keryn, Mel, Michelley, Carol, Mikey, Mike, Benn, Brad -- you guys are the real deal, I'm not even kidding. Thanks for accepting me and loving all of me - even this part, which I'm sure seems more complicated than the rest of me complicated part. And for being the most amazing (and by amazing I mean more amazing than a singing-flying-starfish-llama-giraffe) friends a girl could ask for. You're classy and rich (and I'm not even mad).
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