Life Unexpected

Yesterday I found myself unexpectedly sitting in a funeral.  I say unexpectedly because I didn't expect anyone to pass away, the person who did was not someone I knew but the beloved father and grandfather of people I care deeply about.  I went to support them, offer strength...and unexpectedly received the same gift in return. 

I was suprised that it wasn't a tough decision to go, it was tough telling my boss that I wanted to leave work for several hours on a week that is so full of deadlines that I may have lost track of one or two.  But I knew I had to be there. 

Ben (the fellow who passed away) had battled cancer for the past 7 years - and anytime someone would ask how he was he'd say "Oh, I'm fine", and he was, he was in pain and battling a terrible disease, but everyone who spoke talked about how he truly was fine in his own perception of reality.  I actually get it, at other times in my life, I've known that kind of profound peace - it seems when life is at it's worse is when I truly know whose I am, and in that I find such freedom.  The day Brian and I separated several years ago, probably the hardest decision of my life, I got in the van with the kids and wept for joy not because my marriage was a shambles, but because I had this absolute certainty that the kids and I would be just fine and that my marriage was on it's way to wholeness (despite all signs pointing to the contrary).

Yet, my greatest struggle is in the mundane, everyday, routine of it all...that is when I find myself lamenting the little things that really don't matter at all.  I find myself worrying about whether I am good enough, smart enough, efficient enough or nice enough.  I get trapped in vicious circles of complaining and whining and commiserating.

Part way through what was a beautiful tribute to Ben's life I was transported to the past as a familiar voice sang a familiar song - it was one that had shattered me in the very same sanctuary as I grieved my own Dad's sudden death six years ago.  One of my favorite songs of worship - it was beautiful, and in a strange way filled me with joy.  Joy that freed me from the schedules and deadlines and politics and frustrations of life...it reminded me not only how much I love and miss my dad, but I reminded me where my hope is.  It's beyond this life as much as it is in it.

I left the building planning to return to my desk, deadlines and inbox, but instead went and got my haircut (6 weeks overdue) and home to cook dinner with my husband (way too long overdue), watch TV with my kids (bliss)...leaving the iPhone and computer to sleep and collect troubles for another day (have I ever done that?). 

It meant at work this morning that the franticness of it all seemed foreign somehow, and I felt energized by the glimpse I had been given so unexpectedly.  I love my job, it's real, and gritty sometimes...it's stressful right now a big project is underway and everyone is being stretched - me especially.  Today, much went wrong, but more went right.  At the end of it all, I worked hard today.  I'm proud of the work I did and the fact that I was able to support the people around me to do theirs. 

It was a beautiful day -- I got to laugh with some coworkers, empathasize with others and end it by drinking way too much freckled lemonade with my Mel.  People say that heaven won't have work or sadness or anger or sickness...and though the sickness I can do without, I wonder how joy will be as big as it was today without the contrast of experiencing it in spite of challenging circumstances - I think it makes it richer somehow - don't you?!