Not bad. But not good people. Just real.

Today, Brian, Matthew and I made a quick stop at Target. As always our PADS sidekick—in this case Seven—was with us.  At some point during our visit a shopper said to Brian what has been said to us a thousand times before, they walk by, smile sweetly at our adorable pup and say: "It's such a good thing you're doing".

I'm not entirely sure why this statement has always left me with a feeling of discomfort.  I want to almost say it offends me, but that seems critical and harsh. 

When Brian brought it up in the car later, "Is it just me, or does that bug you?" he asked.  Oh it's not just you honey.  It's not just you.  But then as I reflected I realized how simultaneously complex and simple this thing we do is.

I can tell you a thousand reasons why I DON'T do this.  But here are three biggies:

1. I don't raise puppies because I want you to admire me
2. I don't raise puppies because I want to "do a good thing"
3. I don't raise puppies because I'm an emotionless robot that can give away a dog without my heart paying a price

I can also tell you many more reasons why I do do this:

• I love the companionship of dogs
• I love people and seeing them live to their full potential
• I love the people my PADS puppies have brought into my world: They are hilarious, feely, fun, and beautiful beyond reason.
• Having a dog in the room brings people together
• When I'm in a room full of people and being my socially awkward self, I don't have to think of some way to start a conversation. Ever.   
• I love that every puppy teaches me more about dogs
• I love that every puppy teaches me more about myself

If you read through these you realize that most of my motivations are self serving.

But imagine if someone approached you one day in a store, clucking their tongue at the cuteness of your child and said "it's such a good thing you're doing".  Maybe if you're having a particularly tough day and want to ship said child (who just hit the sassy stage) off to a boarding school, maybe then you appreciate that someone noticed the furrow in your brow or the weariness of your walk.  But it would STILL BE WEIRD.

I didn't have children because it was "a good thing" to do....raising a living, breathing, emotional, emotion stirring, expensive, demanding, infuriating, adorable, beautiful being for 18+ years and then "giving it up" to the world.  I raised them because it was right and good and worthwhile. It made my life richer and better and fuller.

I raise living, breathing, emotional, emotion stirring, expensive, demanding, infuriating, adorable, beautiful puppies for 18+ mos and then give them up to the world.  I raise them because it was right and good and worthwhile. I do it made my life richer and better and fuller.

Today...

Today, this day, I had the privilege of hearing a story about my beautiful Merlot. It made me so proud of her, it also made me remember all the other moments that led to this time and place, the remembering made my face leak salty tears.  I also heard that her confidence wanes without me.  This makes my heart ache, that I didn't do enough to prepare her, to make her strong and resilient.  I'm not sitting here beating myself up... I just WANT for her.  Much like parents want for their children.  For them to be happy and fulfilled and joyful.  For them to go out and leave their mark on the world.

It all led to a a happy, lonely, sad, fulfilled, worried, proud, bittersweet evening.  Not bad. But not good people.  Just real.

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